~ Winters Bloom ~

 

*Goodbye my Lover*

This is not a goodbye.

 It’s, in fact, my worst bye till date.

 Because, I still can't live without you.

 But, I can't live with you either.

I was only looking for a good

conversation when I met you, but

you reeled me in for a lifetime.

And, I knew that I had to

accommodate you into my crazy

world because you were the only

thing that made sense in it.

We are a completely wrong fit for

each other.

 I'm the princess of

doom & you're the blissfully

content pauper.

 You're born to soar

the bright skies, but I can only bring

you down. 

You try to make me feel

alive with your patient optimism

about life, but I only kill it with my

perennial pessimism. 

You make me smile when I can’t, but I have only

been making you cry.

Why is it that I find it difficult to

breathe without you breathing life

into me, but can't live without

inflicting pain on you? 

I've always been a sadist, but why was it that

you turned into a masochist?

 How beautifully ugly is this love of yours

that you're willing to die to make

me feel alive?

 Why are you willing

to put up with the monster I've

turned into?

 Don’t you know that

there is no sane reason to justify

that?

I know you want to save me, but

you can't.

This sadness is home to me.

 So, leave me to my plight & let

me be.

Don't beat yourself up.

 You couldn't have possibly loved me

better. 

There isn't anything you

could have done to save me or this

dying relationship. 

This is about me.

Always has been. 

But, it's got to end now. 

It might kill me to live

without you, yet I can live with that

because I am already dead inside.

But, you?

 You're a living miracle of

brilliance & you must escape. 

I can't escape myself, but you can

escape me.

 You can escape this misery.

You can be free.

You deserve better.

The best, rather.

 And, it's not me.

So, free me from this guilt of putting you

through this enticing hell of mine.

Get away from this addictive misery

before it claims your soul too.

For some devastated souls, it can be

the only thing that makes them

feel alive.

 Sometimes, it can be the

only thing that they can feel

anymore.

But, not for you.

You can be happy.

 And, I will be the happiest

knowing that you're happy, be it

with or without me.

I know that you

might take some time getting used

to my absence.

But, I'd rather have

you cry because you're missing me

than have you cry because of me.

Don't worry about me, love.

I will find a way to live with myself, as I

always have.

 But, I can't live with

myself knowing I'm the one that is

killing you slowly.

 And some day,

like you always say, everything will

be all right.

 Or, at least better than

the destructive insanity we're

indulging in now.

How beautiful would it have been

had you met me before, when I

was still my naive undamaged self!

I can never forgive time for doing

this to us.

 Yet, I hope that you will

find it in yourself one day to forgive

me for pulling you into this

quicksand or for just being too self-

indulgent, as you would call it.

In my defense, you were warned.

 You bit off more than you could chew,

but I don't blame you.

Because, I did the same with you.

 And, I shall cherish this chunk of you forever

because it's the only goodness left

in me.

Although not in my life, you

shall always remain in my

memories.

But, I hope you erase

memories of my existence like you

would do of a bad dream.

 And, find someone who is as beautiful as

you.

 Someone who gives you hope.

Someone who makes your dreams

come true.

 Someone who doesn't

give you nightmares.

So, fly away, before it's too late.

Give up trying to change me.

 Go, change the world.

 And, one day, when I wake up to a world that is as

bright & beautiful as you, I'll smile

once again knowing it's because of

you.

Old is indeed Gold

“My grandfather was a very respected person. You know he got his job because of his good handwriting. He had an old bottle of wine which was gifted to him by his colleague. My grandfather did not drink, however the gift still remains today. He was an avid reader and had a huge collection of books. Even in those days, he fell in love with my grandmother and they got married. My grandmother was an epitome of beauty and even after years when I still saw her even I was awestruck by her beauty. Dadu loved her a lot.”

He was speaking of his ancestors. I had always loved listening of those golden old days. Even when my gharwalas used to describe about their childhood, I listened with great love. It is mesmerizing to listen to such stories. The beauty of those days is incomparable to anything. He was chirping with happiness as he said all this. I could imagine his joyful face and his dreamy eyes as he spoke of his grandparents. He kept on speaking and I listened. And not only did I listen I imagined. And my imagination knew no bounds.

Every time I listen to stories of the good old days, it always makes me want to fly away to those days. Those black and white days which had much more color than today’s ever busy society. Those days when children’s day just did not mean another school holiday. When there were no fake smiles and corrupted people. When lives were simple and good.

His voice brought me back from my dreamland. His voice was still dreamy like with a drop or two of honey. I seized the moment and expressed my desires.

“Let’s run away to some mountain where we can have a small hut and a cow”, I said. “We would have two or three kids. You would go to office and I would stay back at home and cook for you and our kids. In the evening you would read me poems and I would lay there in your lap listening to it. When you would have a day off we would cook together. Someday we would just be lazy and make hand painting. Giggle with our kids and help them with their school projects. When beauty would mean the twinkle in our lifeless eyes and the tease in the voice. Bake cakes together and decorate it with yellow sugar flowers.  Wouldn’t life be beautiful? I just want to live such a life so much……” and my voice trailed off.

He was giggling from the other side of the phone. Then he said,” Sob thik ache, but I doubt you can handle a cow on your own”.

And both of us burst out laughing.

Of Exams and Bus Conversations

24-9-2015

Today was the destined last day of my B.ed Exams. I had my English exam and as easy I thought it would be, the exam turned out to be total disaster. But that is not the purpose for writing this blog.

I got up on a busy 6no. Bus to Lankeswar at around the scheduled time. The bus was packed but by the good grace of god, I managed a seat. It was drizzling outside, and I sat silently pondering over my preparation and trying to recall whatever I studied. At the Jalukbari bus stand a handicapped man got in. During this course of one year from Maligaon to Lankeswar, I had often come across this man. He works in the forest department. This I know as he gets down a bus stand before me and I often see him entering the office of the forest department. From his appearance all that I could make out was that he had some problem in his leg as he was always carried a crutch. He occupied a seat behind me. He shared the seat with another man. Gradually they started conversing and suddenly I found myself over hearing their conversation. The other man with whom the handicapped man was sharing his seat also had certain physical disabilities. They shared about how they had reached such problems. Little tit bits over how the situation had hardened over the years. The other man than said “We are the sufferers. Let’s see what is in store for us after all this. I am sure it can’t get tougher than this”. Finally they bid their adieus as they had reached their bus stops.

I am blogging this particular incident because I want to remember it in the longest of my life. Such positive and jolly natured people. Despite all hardships, they are leading quite a normal life. Neither are they complaining about anything nor are they living a lonely life aloofing themselves from the little pieces of happiness life is offering them.  Such people exemplify the saying “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade”.

 A source of inspiration to me and million others.

~ The Kite Runner ~

For you, a thousand times over

Guwahati Metropolitan Urban Winter Festival, 2014

Held at Shradhanjali Kanan Park, it was a beautiful chaos of people from all ages.

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"You are at once both the quiet and the confusion of my heart"

Earlier romantic love songs, were just plain songs. With useless  lyrics. Black and white lyrics, that I couldn't relate to.  The engine of my existence was chugging along, alone, on the track of life. And then you happened. And the bogies of happiness, alacrity, purpose, zeal, ambition and reason – all joined on. Love songs suddenly became all the more romantic. All words, all sentences I related to you. You bought a different kind of meaning to life, that was earlier missing. A different kind of care, an unknown sort of happiness  that I was alien to. My black and white life found its own reasons to be colourful enough. Losing sleep became a reason of happiness. I had atlast  found the tiny streak of light in my dark world. I was happy, despite the fights and small misunderstandings. Then one day you left me. And you never returned. You promised me happiness forever and with you left my only reason to be happy. The reasons, let it be inknown. For in my heart I know, you were never wrong. Still, the heart is a stupid organ. It still makes me miss you. Moving on is just a myth. Life is again back to square one.