Dear Dugga Maa, This Time, Please Choose Me Too. ❤️

Dear Dugga Maa,

You are on your way back to Kailash, and suddenly, all the happiness around you is turning into a wait of another 365 days. Everyone is already looking forward to your return, counting the days until they can welcome you home again.

But Maa, when you come next year, please come only if you can bring some genuine peace and happiness into my life. Don't come just to make me go through another year of pain. Don't let my loyalty be rewarded with betrayal, my love with dishonesty, and my efforts with the realisation that I was never enough.

I see you doing so many beautiful things for others, Maa. I see people praying to you, and I see their prayers being answered in ways that bring smiles to their faces. But why do you always seem to miss me? Am I not your child, Maa? Don't I deserve a little of the happiness you so lovingly give to others?

Wasn't everything I did enough? Was my love not enough to make the person I loved feel that he didn't need to look elsewhere for conversations, attention or affection? Did I lack something that made him seek what I thought we already had in each other?

Was I never enough for anyone, Maa?

All I ever wanted was to be enough somewhere. Just once, I wanted to be someone's first choice without having to compete with anyone else. I wanted to be loved without having to question my worth, to trust someone without being afraid of what I might discover, and to feel secure in the love I gave so wholeheartedly.

For my family, I have often felt that I am not enough. And somehow, Maa, you made my life such that even the man I loved with all my heart made me feel the same way. The one place where I thought I might finally feel chosen, cherished and wanted has become another place where I find myself questioning my worth.

Why, Maa? Why do you keep giving me one challenge after another? What are you preparing me for that requires me to endure so much? How much stronger do you want me to become? Must every lesson come at the cost of my peace? Must every experience teach me to survive something I never wanted to go through in the first place?

Sometimes, I wonder whether I am being punished for the deeds of my previous births. But if I am, then please, Maa, don't punish me anymore. I am tired. I really am.

I never asked for a perfect life. I never asked for all the wealth in the world or for every dream to come true. My desire to be loved truly has always been greater than so many other things in my life. I only wanted a love that was honest, faithful and wholehearted. A love where there would be no other person standing between us, where I wouldn't have to wonder whether I was enough, and where loving someone wouldn't mean slowly losing myself.

Was that too much to ask for, Maa?

I have spent so much of my life trying, adjusting, understanding and holding on. All I wanted was to love someone and be loved in return, with the same sincerity, the same loyalty and the same willingness to choose each other, even when life wasn't easy.

But somehow, even that simple wish seems to have been denied to me.

So, Maa, as you leave for Kailash this year, I have just one request.

When you return next year, please bring something good into my life. Bring me the peace I have been longing for, the happiness I have been waiting for, and the love that doesn't make me question whether I deserve to be loved. If there is someone meant to walk beside me, let him come with honesty in his heart and the willingness to choose me without making me feel that I am competing for his affection.

And if none of that is waiting for me, then at least give me the strength to stop yearning for what keeps hurting me. Give me a heart that can finally rest, a mind that can finally be quiet, and a life that doesn't feel like one long struggle to be enough.

I don't want another year of lessons, Maa. I don't want another year of having to find meaning in my pain. I don't want to be told that everything happens for a reason when all I can feel is how much it hurts.

For once, I want something beautiful to happen to me without having to suffer for it first.

So next year, Maa, come only if you can bring some genuine goodness into my life. Come if you can bring me reasons to smile, people who mean what they say, and a love that feels like home.

Because this year, I have nothing left to ask for except a little happiness of my own.

And Maa, please don't mistake my words for a lack of faith in you. Perhaps they are coming from the very last corner of my heart that still believes you might hear me.

I am still your child, aren't I?

Then, for once, Maa, please choose me, too.

With a heart that is tired of waiting,

Your child.

The Wishlist

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

              ― H. Jackson Brown Jr.


Everybody has a wishlist. Some unspoken dreams, unspoken desires. Some spoken, yet not acquired. Some cool, some not so happening. Yet dil to baccha hai ji. We can only dream on and on and on.

So here's to all the good things in my life that are yet to happen. MY WISHLIST.

• First and foremost i want to get myself a DSLR. Now dont tag me as a photographer. I just want to capture every day of my life. Yes, i do have a digi cam to capture such moments. But the passion of handling a slr is something entirely different. The enigma, the clarity it offers well my nikon L20 can't offer that. Hence the desire.

• Next in my list is i want to travel the whole of India. Many people might have this as their dream. However i want to travel because i want to photograph the whole of India. Different cultures, foods, music. Such rich diversity. And only if we have that favourite person to give us company, toh baat hi alag hai. 

•  I want to get married in two different styles. Eeeeeeeee. Yes i do want to. I want to get married in a church in the christian way adorning myself in a gown, and then  ofcourse in my rich bengali style adorned with a sindoor and sakha pola. But ofcourse each of these moments i want to experience it with the same person.

•  I want to have my entire family under one roof. Like one big happy family. Get togethers are always so much fun. I wish we all cousins could stay together forever and always have fun. Everyday would be a celebration then. 

• INKED. Haven't got a tattoo and sooner or later i am going to have one. And its just a secret desire of mine to get the name of my betterhalf inked on the ring finger of my left hand. And vice versa (matlab expecting the same thing out of my better half). Pain shared is no pain. 

•  Road trip with the bestest of my buddies. Soon after watching Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara, i have always wanted to go on a road trip with my chaddi buddies. And yeah the prospect of having a hot male guide (much like Katrina Kaif fron ZNMD fame) is overwhelming.

• I want to own a library. Books are the only things that fantasizes me besides Daniel Radcliffe. A bedroom full of books would be an ideal choice to spend the day.

 

(Publishing unpublished drafts. In draft since November 13, 2013)

Mother

 At 6, Durga puja was all about going out with Maa. She would hanker after her mother the whole day, holding her aanchal , curiously enquiring when she would take her out. Completing her sondhya puja, Maa would get her  dressed up. Two ponytails,  a brand new skirt-blouse and a pair of fancy shoes. The rest of the evening merrily passed hugging onto her mother’s lap and watching the idols sleepy eyed. She was indulged in dollops of ice cream and chips for the rest of the evening. 

At 16, Durga puja was all about hanging out with friends. Days and evenings were carefully planned beforehand the arrival of the Goddess. Outfits were carefully picked up with all endeavos to look her best. And as Maa asked her to accompany them on the family outing one evening during the puja, she shrugged it off. She didn’t appreciate the idea and rebelled  her way out  to be in the company of her friends. Friends, were more important to her than her family. She didn’t want to be mocked at by her friends.

At 26, Durga puja was all about going out with her husband. Newly married,  she was very excited about the new phase of life and wanted to  spend these beautiful days  in the company of her love. Engaging in some  quality time, which otherwise their busy schedules didn’t offer. She had been looking forward to these festivities with butterflies in her stomach. It was a quest for a new beginning. 

At 36, Durga puja was spent in the mirth with her children. Spirits high, she hopped away pandals with her little ones . Looking at their happy faces wipe out all her home made delicacies made her heart flutter with joy. These days were exhausting but the happiness at the end of the day made her tired soul heal. 

At 46, she had lost her enthusiasm towards the festivities.  Her children preferred hanging out with their friends  and her husband was loaded with work and had no time to spare for her. She felt lonely amidst all the crowd. 

Finally she realized how her mother must have felt all these years. They were in the same boat, now. Her heart ached as realisation dawned on her. 

Without delay, she left for her maternal home.  Reaching their, she hugged her Mother tight as tears evaporated from her kajal laden  eyes. She whispered on to her mother’s ears “ Cholo Maa, thakur dekhe asi". And at that very moment her mother’s face lit up into a big smile. Because for the Mother , Durga Puja was still all about the happiness of her daughter.

(Publishing unpublished drafts. In draft since 24 November 2020)

Desert Rain

Job scenes

When a little one made my day by handing me a bouquet of red roses.

It was a normal Saturday. And I was feeling a bit relaxed coz of course Sunday was showing up at last. Reached school ( I work as a educator in a school) on time. Headed towards my class. And the moment I stepped inside the noisy  fishmarket ( my chaotic class of 33 students, I refer to it as fishmarket) one of my girls (Neha) walked forward and handed me this beautiful bunch of roses.  She spoke excitedly and said " Mam I got this for you and I love you mam". I of course wasn't expecting this and was blushing a bit. I thanked her and continued with my classes. Literally it was a " maan me ladoo phuta" type scenes. It was a plethora of happy emotions. The rest of the day was spent catering to the lovely compliments from my colleagues. It was a first time for me. Coming back home, I didn't forget to click photos of this sweet and first time experience of my life. Thanks for making my day 😊🙂

Want to remember dis day forever and hence making it immortal as one of my blogs.

P.S. I titled this as desert rain coz it's a once in a blue moon sort of experience for me.

🥀

MY FIRST ATTEMPT IN MAKING A WOOLLEN CLOTHING

So last week I thought of making up a woolen cap. Went to the market and brought sky blue and red colored wool. Primarily at my initial stages of planning I wanted my cap to hold these two colors. So went ahead with the needed things to Nani (I fondly call one of my pisis by this name). She taught me the starting and the ulta ghor and soja ghor weaving. In the days that followed Sejo (another one of my pisi) and my mom as well as Nani helped me out throughout the process. Made a lot of mistakes, couldn’t grab the concept initially, and dropped houses and what not. It was not easy, particularly the placing of a new house in between the old houses and the changing of threads. However after a week almost with the help and guidance of these three ladies I completed it. And hell yeah it deserves a blog post for being the first such experience in my life. Cheers to it and cheers to the many more that are going to come up in future.

P.S. The idea was to learn it so that I can gift it to my love.

Here is a picture of my mentors wearing the cap. It wasnot perfect to the tip. Turned out to be a bit big than the required size. Next time hoping for a more perfect one.

The color of the fonts in this post is inspired by the colours of my cap.

Shaadi Ka Laddoo

Marriages are beautiful. None can deny that. The rituals, laughing faces, decorations, days and days of preparations, teasing cousins everything just everything about it feels so heavenly. I turned 25 this June and I can’t deny that though as a teenager I was against the concept of marriages, growing up has been beautiful and this concept is slowly fading away.

Love, of course is the reason for this change. These days my facebook newsfeed (I surf facebook through my besties account) is filled up with the updates of my classmates and friends marriages. Couples posing merrily with mehndi cladded hands and beautiful smiles adorned with love. Some other posting pictures of their honeymoons and a few posting pictures of their first born. It’s all about love these days in facebook and do I like it? Hell, yes.

Well, I was wondering so about what is the right age to get married. Is 25 the universal marriage age for most girls? Most of my friends and batch mates are getting married this year and they share my age. So, is 25 the most ideal I ask myself. 

When I asked myself the question, I found that I needed a few more years to accept marriage hood. That because, I want a certain level of peace and stabilization with my inner self. I don’t want that the person I am marrying should be burdened with my inner stress. Primarily this is my reason for not getting married now. There, according to me is no right time or age for getting married.

One of my school teachers who currently works in Bangalore in an MNC turned 36 this year. She is a single working woman. On asking why she hasn’t got married yet she promptly replies, “I have crossed my age for marriage. Not I am settled in my life and I am looking forward to it. My mother remains worried on my decision to remain single. My brothers too are not marrying as I being the eldest didn’t marry. I have already told them to go ahead and get married. I am happy in my current space”.  This teacher of mine is one of the most charming ladies I have ever met. She is adventurous by nature and the life of the party. She doesn’t look a day old. One of friends who has a close acquaintance with her one happened to ask her if she doesn’t feel the need to share her life with someone to which she says, “  I do feel the need. But my wants differ. If I find someone suitable even at this age, I won’t think twice before marrying”.

The recent update on the marriage of Bollywood actress Suhasini Mulay who married at the age of 60 is another shining example to the concept of marriage. She met her soul mate on Facebook. By tying the knot at an elder age she defied the opinion of all those who think age is a deterrent for marriage, especially for women.

Here is a picture of the evergreen actress.

One is never too old to fulfill ones dreams, passion and yes, even get married.

HAPPY 26th TO HIM

Birthdays are always special. Age doesn’t matter when it comes to birthdays. 26^th November will always be a special day for me. It’s the birthday of the love of my life. We have been in a long distance relationship for the past one year five months 10 days. Honestly speaking, it has not been an easy ride. He strives a lot to make this relation work and that’s what makes me hold on to him. No matter what, my heart knows he will be always round the corner. 

I wanted to do something that he would love for his birthday. Material gifts weren’t something that I was really looking forward to. After some thought I came up with this idea of making a customized greetings card for his birthday. Days of photo shoot later these is what the greetings card actually looks like. 

Heartfelt thanks to my parents, cousins, friends who helped me up with the photos. Of course they were unknown to the actual reason behind this “Photo shoot with the Alphabets”. It still is a mystery to them. 

P.S. He loved it.